Choosing Soul Mate within Seven Days

Today, my husband and I  celebrate our 16^th wedding anniversary. I am so grateful for everything we’ve reached. I am so happy to be his wife. Hopefully we can maintain our marriage, love, compatibility, and faithfulness till death do us part.

I am neither a consultant nor a competent adviser. I am just an ordinary woman who wants to share my experience when I under went the process of finding my life partner. I don’t mean to show off my happiness and to be proud of it. I just hope that the readers can learn something from what I had been trough. As a Moslem, I believe in God. Its power had leaded me to find my soul mate.

It was in the year of 1997. At that time I was mentally exhausted after the failure on maintaining a relationship with a man. I said to my self “That’s enough. I don’t want to have another boy friend or any intended husband. Getting married is not the main priority anymore.” I just didn’t care. I  enjoyed my job in a foreign company in the field.

My office was located in the middle of the forest on South Sumatera. It’s like a small city, or a small community in the middle of the forest. The Company was doing a corridor block gas project. There were many companies involved in this project.

Then, life was full of choices. At least, it was the condition that I faced. There were 4 men trying to get my attention at the same time, while I was not interested. I felt reluctant to begin a relationship again. But one of my friends said that I had to consider those men. She said,” You’ll never know what will happen to you. Maybe one of them is your soul mate. The fact that you don’t have any special feeling towards them is good as a basis to select the best one. You can be more objective. A life partner should not be chosen on the basis of feelings.”

Ok, I will tell you about the 4 candidates.

The first was one of my colleagues. We worked at the same office, but actually his company and mine had a kind of join operation. His company provided workers for my company such as carpenters, welders, workmen, day laborers, crane operators, drivers, etc. He was the supervisor of those workers who was also responsible for their salary payment.

The second candidate was one of my old friends. He worked in Palembang. He used to send me letters and gifts through the driver at Palembang office. Then the driver brought them to me.

The third candidate was one of my seniors when I was a college student. He contacted me again, after our last meeting one year before.

The fourth was an employee of the other company. His office was beside mine. I knew him when I came to his office to give a report. We actually graduated from the same University, and the same faculty. I was from Civil Engineering, and he was from Mechanical Engineering. But I had never known him before.

I was just an ordinary woman who dreamed of being a wife and a lovely mother. People lived in happiness or hopelessness based on the single decision of a life partner. A person’s sense of meaning and success were forever influenced by this decision. That’s what I believed. That’s why I took it seriously. So, I began with a standard of my husband-to-be.

I was not a perfect woman, but I thought I deserved to have a husband that had attributes such as maturity in character, emotional stability, and spiritual values. I hoped he would have respect for my parents. Having honesty, integrity, and responsibility. It sounds perfect, isn’t it? I my self was not sure I could find someone with this quality.

Ok, let’s go back to the candidates.

The first one showed that he had been interested on me since the first time I joined the company. He gave me attention more than other girls in the office. He gave me souvenirs when he returned back from Jakarta or other places. Often I caught him red handed staring at me and smiled. He spoke with nice and sweet voice when he was talking to me, but it would be different when he spoke to other people. I saw the sign but I did not reply it in the way he wanted me to. Actually I didn’t see something interesting on him.

One day, he came to me. He said he needed to talk. It was in the evening, after working hour.

“I believe you know what I feel for you. Well, I know it is too fast since we’ve been known each other for only several months. My age is 30 years old now, It is more than enough to start having a family. My parents ask me to get married soon. Since I knew you I believed that I have already found the right one. I want you to be the mother of my children in the future. I am ready to be a good husband. I have a good job; I have a nice house, and car. And I guarantee you will never live in poverty as long as you are my wife. What do you think? “He said assuredly.

I looked into his eyes. Many things came to my mind. I said silently “What kind of man are you? You’re so arrogant. No one can guarantee what will happen to other person, even to your self. Only God has the authority to guarantee someone’s livelihood. What if you get fired? What if the house is burned down, and you lost all your money? Can you keep your family away from poverty? Who do you think you are? “

I was thinking of choosing the right words to respond. Then He said confidently “ I need you to say yes, or no. If you say yes, I will contact my parents soon so they come to your parents to propose you.”

I had just wanted to refuse his offering, but then I remember my friend’s advice to consider any man. Maybe the first impression of him was not so good, but who knew he was the right person for me.

The second one was my old friend. We’d been friend since we were in secondary school. He was nice, smart, and unique. He was talkative person. As long as he was with me, he always talked and talked about many things such as politics, economics, latest news, philosophy, etc. He liked reading, so he was knowledgeable. His English was excellent; actually I was turned green with envy because my English was not really good. And also one thing, he liked singing. He was like a singing machine or something. What a unique person!

When he gave me a sign of his feeling toward me, I began to feel anxious. The truth was I felt comfort to be his friend, and I wanted to keep it that way. I was afraid I would ruin our friendship and moreover I didn’t want to hurt him. He was such a good man.

When I worked in the field, he sent me letters, and gifts. The more he gave me those gifts, the more I felt guilty that I couldn’t reciprocate in the way he wanted me to. In one of his letter, he told me that I had made him crazy because I did not reply his letters. I didn’t reply them because I hoped he would gradually understand that I couldn’t be his girl. I hoped he would forget me, and found someone else.

Here came the third candidate. The first time I talked to him was on the day of his graduation ceremony. It was in 1996. I came to my University with some of my friends. I saw there were some of my seniors wearing their academic gown and toga in a festivity around the hall. The graduation ceremony had just finished. I came there to congratulate them. Then someone called my name. I whirled and saw him “Hi, I’ve been waiting for you. “ He said. “Can we talk? I want to tell you something, an important thing.” I looked into his eyes, and he stared at me. He looked so serious. I said,” Yes, you can talk to me right now.”

He looked around and said,” Not in here. Would you follow me?” He walked down and sheer off the crowd. I followed him with a big curiosity. I’d never talked to him before. I didn’t even know his name. I just knew him as one of my seniors, and that’s all. I wondered what he would talk about.

Finally, near a big tree away from people, he stopped. And I did too. He gazed at me thoughtfully. His face was slightly flushed “Well, actually I really wanted to talk to you long before this day. I couldn’t because I didn’t have any courage. But I have to do it right now. I have just graduated, and I have got a good job. I am going to go to Kalimantan this afternoon to start working there. I don’t care if you have a boy friend or not, I want you to be my wife. Will you marry me?.” He said. He breathed a sigh of relief, just like a heavy burden had just been released.

“What?!” I didn’t believed what I’d just heard. How could it be? It might be a mistake.

“I know you must be surprise. But please think of my offering. I will be a good husband for you.” He sucked in his breathe.

“How can you say that? We don’t even know each other. Deciding to get married is not a piece of cake. I need time to know you and you do too…”

“That’s it. I don’t have time. I…” He couldn’t finish his words. A car stopped on the road side next to the tree, honking. The driver said to him,” Come on, hurry up! You don’t want to miss the plane, do you?”

He stared at me,” Give me your phone number. I’ll contact you soon after I arrive in Kalimantan.”

I gave him my phone number. He nodded. “I have to go now. See you!”

He ran fast to the car, and then they went away.

I stood there for a while, trying to digest what had just happen. I forgot to ask him his name. I kept thinking, and finally I was sure that it was just a mistake. It was absurd. He did not know me; he positively did not love me. A marriage without love, what would it be? I was scared. I decided to refuse his offering. I was not ready to be a wife; more over to someone I did not know at all. But then I did not get the chance to talk to him. Several times he called me, I was not at home. The other time he called, I was out of town, under went on the job training. At that time, the using of phone cell was not popular in Indonesia. So, in short, we lost contact. And, time passed by. I thought he had already forgotten me.

One year later, in 1997, I was at home. It was on the day off. My phone rang. Then my sister picked it up. “Hi sis, come here. Someone wants to talk to you!” She said. I took the phone, then say hello. Someone there, a man, said that he called from Kalimantan. My memory flooded back. He mentioned his name. Oh God, that was the first time I knew his name. He asked how I was. I told him about my job. He said he was grateful that finally he could talk to me. “Do you still reconsider my offering? Listen, I need to see you. I’ll be home next week. I hope we can arrange a meeting. I’ll come to your house and meet your parents. I want you to know that I am serious. What do you think?”

“ Hold on, please. Give me a chance to think. Ok, of course we can arrange a meeting. Tomorrow I’ll go back to work. I will take one day permission next week so that we can meet. But can we choose another place for the meeting? Please, let me talk to you first before introducing you to my parents. “I said.

“ Well, ok. No problem if that’s what you want.” He said.

After arrange the meeting, he said good bye.

I received a piece of paper from the fourth candidate trough one of office boys. He wrote:

“ Hi, can I come to your dormitory to have a chat with you this evening?”

I replied with “Ok”. I gave the note to the office boy who smiled meaningfully at me.

That evening, he came to my dormitory. He sat at the veranda, wearing red jacket, smiling at me when I came to see him. Then we have a chat. Actually, we had one way conversation, because he was the one who talked much. He told me about his job. He worked at the company which was the main contractor of the project. He was a schedule controller who dealt with all of the companies that involved with the corridor block gas project. His duty was to supervise the work progress of all the sub-contractors and make the report to the owner of the project. It seemed that he had a good technical skill and wide knowledge about working on the field, especially on oil and gas field.

The first visit soon was followed by the second, the third, and so on. One day, when I got the note from him asking me appointment to meet, I said I couldn’t. I had to go home, because I get my day off.

I went home that day. I was surprised when he came to my house in the evening. Day by day I knew him more. He had a strong character, and strong confidence, supported by his physical appearance which was muscular. He also smart and really liked to learn anything new, especially anything dealing with his job.

One day, he came to my dorm. He looked serious. After talking about his daily activities in the field, he said” I had several time seeing you here. I believe you understand the reason why I am here. I don’t want to be your friend; I want more than just a friend. In short, I want to be your husband someday. Now I need you to decide if you accept me or not. I don’t want to waste my time waiting for you if you are only able to offer me a friendship. So, please answer me.”

I was a little bit surprise. How could he say that? He was so straight to the point. He was not a romantic man.

“Well, I don’t know what to say. I can’t give an answer now. What had happen to me recently was confusing. I need time to think about it. Why don’t you let our relationship just flow? Let it flow naturally.” I said.

“I need a commitment. I want to know where you will bring this relationship. I don’t want to spend some time together with you if someday when I ask you to marry me you will refuse it, or you’ll marry someone else. I will make it simple, just say yes or no” He insisted.

I breathed a sigh. It was odd that four men asking me to marry them almost in the same time. I couldn’t think clearly. I knew that the decision was so important. My soul mate could be one of them or none of them. Oh God, what would I do?

“ I’m sorry I can’t answer it now. But I’ll think of it. Give me one week. Just seven days to find the answer. I need to pray to the God. I believe God will lead me to the best choice.” I said.

“Ok. I’ll be waiting for your answer. I’ll see you again next week.” He looked into my eyes, and smiled.

Oh God, I had to give answer to each person in one week. How could I do that? I tried to make a list of the positive things and negative things I saw on those four men, but the result still made me confuse. Making a decision was not an easy thing for me. I thought I would run away from this, but I couldn’t.

In some other cases, I trusted my intuitive heart. I listened and trusted the inner voice that knew what it was I needed to do, what actions needed to be taken. But in this case, I felt just like my intuition had been blocked.

Finally, I chose to hand over this matter to God. That’s the only way. In Islam, there’s one way to find the best option of the problem that Moslem faced. It’s called “ Shalat Istikharah”. It’s a ritual prayer resemble with the obligatory prayer, but the purpose of it was to find the clue of the best choice.

I did it once each day, in 7 days. I wake up at 3 AM, when anybody else was sleeping. I just wanted to feel the peacefulness, just the two of me and my God. After taking wudhu (ritual ablution before prayer), I did Shalat Istikarah. After it, I prayed.

“ In the name of Allah, the infinitely Compassionate and Merciful. Oh Allah, You have power and I have none. You know all and I know not. You are The Knower of all that is hidden. If in Your knowledge, one of these four men be good for me in my faith and in my temporal and religious life, then ordain him for me. And if anyone other than him be good for me in my faith and in my temporal and religious life, then ordain him for me.”

Day-1

After the first Shalat Istikharah I felt more tranquil. The first candidate came to me. He asked me if I had already made a decision. I said I was thinking about it and I would tell him soon. Deep in my heart I believe I would find something about him, something that triggered me to accept or refuse him.

Then I focused on my job. After typing a report of material usage on my computer, I tried to print the document. But there was something wrong with the printer, it couldn’t print the document. I took a disk, and saved the document into it. Then I looked around, tried to find another printer. There were two other printers, but all of them are used by the other employees.

I remembered there was one printer in the first candidate’s workroom. I thought maybe he could allow me printed out my document there. I walked down along the office corridor and I stopped in front of the door. I knocked, but there was no respond. I opened the door, and entered. He was not there.

There were some papers scattered on the floor. I took them and put them beside the computer. It seemed that he had left the room in hurry. I saw the computer was on, and I could see there was a document, a financial report of salary payment, on the screen. I did not know what I was thinking at that time but suddenly there was an eager desire in my heart to see closer what it was on the screen. I knew I shouldn’t do that but a half of my heart force me to. I came closer to the computer. Actually there were two documents, two financial reports on its screen. When I scrutinized them, I found these two documents were almost the same. The difference of them was the amount of money. Then I knew that he made two versions of report. Why did he do that? Out of the blue, awareness raised in my mind. Soon I left the room.

I sat on my chair, thinking. “So, that’s why he is rich. My company paid the salary of those workers through his company. His company took 20% of the amount, and then…he, the one who responsible to manage the payment, took another 20% for himself. He has already got monthly salary from his company, but he took another benefit illegally. This man is absolutely not suitable for me. Thank You God, I have found the answer.”

In the evening, I told him my decision. I said I couldn’t accept him. I could see anger in his eyes. He said” Why? Was there someone told you bad things about me? And you believe it?”

“No. I have done Shalat Istikharah. I have a deep conviction that you are not my soul mate. That’s all. I’m sorry if I make you disappoint.” I said resolutely.

Day-2

I received another letter from the second candidate. He wrote that he couldn’t wait any longer for my reply. He wanted to come to the field to see me. He needed a direct answer.

All day long I thought of him. I tried to remind anything, any time I spent with him. Again and again the memories of him leaded me to realize that we had only a platonic relationship all these years. He was friendly, kind, smart, and unique. Although I was fond of him, I could not be romantically involved with him. I couldn’t imagine he became my lover, more over my husband.

In the evening, I wrote a letter for him. I was sorry, but I had to tell him the harsh truth. It would be better for me, and also for him. I hoped he could find someone else, his true love.

Day-3

In the early morning, I gave the letter to the driver. He brought it to Palembang, and posted it soon.

I had so many works to do before I came home that day. After finishing some reports, and the entire job on my to-do-list, I came to my boss, telling him that I took a day off in the afternoon. Then I went to Palembang. I did it because on the next day I had an appointment to meet the third candidate.

I arrived at home in the evening. I was so happy to see my parents and my sisters were watching TV. I missed spending time with my family. My job had kept me away from them. I joined them and felt so relax, at least for a moment.

My phone rang, and there he was, the third candidate. He confirmed our meeting on the next day at 4 pm in a cozy café in the down town.

Day-4

The morning came. It was such a beautiful day. I wondered what would happen to me. Would I found my true love? Would I fall in love, or being impressed by someone special?

I thought I would go shopping to buy some clothes, before seeing the third candidate. I did not know why I was so enthusiastic. I felt I was so close to the happiness I‘d been searching. I called my friend; she was contented knowing that I was in Palembang. She picked me up on 10 and we went together to the shopping center.

I had a great time with her. I really enjoyed shopping. It was exciting to spend the money I‘d earned for anything I liked. Then we decided to have lunch in a café.

We chose the seat next to a glass-window. Through the window, I could observe people passing by on the sidewalk along the busy road. The café was on the corner of the crossroad, near the traffic-light. I saw some kids offering newspapers, beverage, and other goods to the drivers and car passenger, when the traffic-light was red.

Almost all of the kids were boys. There’s only one little girl, soon I focused on her. She was skinny and pale. Her skin was tan, and her cloth was faded and dingy. Her long curly hair was untidy, blown by the wind. Her little fingers grasped some plastic-toys with various colors. But there was something interesting; she had big eyes which were glittered just like she had a high fighting spirit. I didn’t know why I couldn’t take my eyes off of her.

The traffic-light turned to red. The cars stopped, and those kids ran towards the cars, offering their goods. The little girl stood beside a car. Her little hand knocked the car’s window, and then she peeped through the window, trying to offer her toys. What happened next shocked me. The driver pushed the car’s door firmly; striking her thin body fell to the pavement. Her toys scattered, some of them were broken. The car’s door was being closed again, and then the window was opened. A reddish anger face appeared; his mouth shouted something at the poor little girl. I couldn’t hear his voice, but I was sure it was a kind of revilement. But what made me completely shocked was the face, his face. It was him, the third candidate…what a surprise!

The little girl got up, she was crying. Some little boys helped her picked up her toys. The girl ran away, the traffic-light turned to green, and the car went away fast. I got up, ran out of the café, leaving my friend that was dazed seeing me running. “Where are you going?! What happen?!” she said.

I ran and ran trying to find the little girl. I saw her running through the alley between two stores, and then disappeared in the crowd. I didn’t know why I chased her, but I just wanted to hug her, or told her something to calm her down, or gave her some money to bear the loss of her broken toys, or did anything to make her feel better. I just felt I was responsible for what had just happened to her. But, unfortunately I couldn’t find her.

Along the way home, my mind was upset. How could he do that to the poor little girl ?She was just a kid, one of the needy kids who struggled for her life. She didn’t do anything to harm him; she was just trying to get some money. Why was he so cruel? I couldn’t tolerate what he had done to her. I didn’t want to meet him, no way. There’s nothing left to say, but I was sure that I had found the answer. He was not my soul mate. I tried not to judge him, but what I had just seen revealed there’s something about him that I couldn’t accept.

I called him at 3 pm, one hour before the meeting. I cancelled the meeting. I told him I was sorry that I couldn’t accept him. He asked me why. “I am absolutely sure that I am not the best one for you. I don’t want to be your wife. Please forget me. I hope you understand.” I said. He might be angry, but I didn’t care. At 4 pm, I went back to the field.

Day-5

There’s only one left. I was not sure he’s the one. I thought maybe there’s none of the four men was my soul mate. I was tired of thinking about having a good husband.

Suddenly I remembered one of my friends. She was graduated from the same faculty with the fourth candidate, but she was his junior. I thought she could give me some information about him.

I called her. I told her about the fourth candidate then I asked her if she could help me to get some information about him, how his character and attitude was, good things and bad things, or anything about him that could give me a picture of his personality. She said she will ask her senior who was also the fourth candidate’s classmate. She promised me she would tell me soon.

Day-6

I didn’t have to wait too long for the information. When I called her again, she was ready with the info. She got it from the informant that the fourth candidate was intelligent, always able to help his friends, and idealist. He had a strong character, a good skill of leadership, and a good sense of humor. The informant recommended me to accept him. So far was so good.

Until the day-6, I was still not sure about my feeling for him. I was waiting for what people said about the stage of love. They said that to fall in love, someone will experience the three stages. The first was lust or erotic passion, when the estrogen and testosterone became active and create the desire to experience love. The second was romantic passion or attraction. When attraction came into play, someone would lose his or her ability to think rationally, at least when it came to the object of his or her attraction. The third one was commitment. This was the real love. That’s what the theory said.

I kept doing shalat Istikharah. I believed God would show me the way…

Day-7

I had to give a report to someone in the fourth candidate’s office. I had tried to find the office boy, but I couldn’t find him. Finally, I decided to give it by myself although a half of me was reluctant. I didn’t know why I was afraid of seeing the fourth candidate. The image of him suddenly emblazoned in my mind. He, with his muscular body…What if he was a kind of man who like to hurt woman by doing violence? If I were his wife, would he hit me, kick me and hurt me…… or would he protect me, treat me amorously and give me a comfortable feeling?

The image of him vanished when out of the blue he was standing in front of me. He smiled, and looked into my eyes. What happened to me next was so strange, I couldn’t control my emotion, I was so scared. The uncontrollable emotion forced me to act like a fool, I whirled and ran. I ran fast, left him behind and went back to my office. Oh God, I just wanted to calm myself down. I did not understand what I really felt.

One of my friend asked me, why I seemed so scared. I told her what had happened, and then she laughed at me. “What’s so funny? I didn’t tell you a joke!” I said. She couldn’t stop giggling, “Don’t you realize? You have fallen in love with him! Yes, I’m sure. I can see it in your eyes! You are afraid because you try to deny it. You don’t want to admit it! That’s so funny!”

“No, I don’t! You are absolutely wrong!” I shook my head.

She chuckled.” Why don’t you try to relax and welcome him. There’s nothing wrong to fall in love with him. He is a single, attractive and educated person. So why not?” She left me alone.

There came the office boy brought me a note from the fourth candidate. He wrote:

Hi, did I make you scared? I’m sorry. Can we meet this evening? Don’t worry; I will understand any decision you’ll make. I will treat you kind, although you will refuse me. But still I hope you are the right one for me.

Regards.

The office boy was still standing in front of me. I asked him”What are you doing? Don’t you have anything to do?”

He gave me his big smile “I’m waiting for the reply. I won’t go before I got it.”

I took a sigh, then I wrote:

I’m sorry I left you just now. I was confused. I still don’t know what to say in our meeting this evening.

The office boy took the note. Then I got back to work, trying to focus on my job. But the closer the time to the evening, the more I felt frantic.

When the office hour was almost up, the office boy came again. He gave me another note. The note was filled with a beautiful pray, wrote by a beautiful handwriting as follow:

This is the pray of Istighfar, which you can do when you are confused, or when you need guidance.

God bless you…

Amien.

I didn’t know where the feeling came from, but it was just like a magical feeling. A tremendously relief, a flowing peacefulness, a powerful conviction, or whatever it was, it’s so strange, it’s so hard to express.

After praying maghrib, I did the istighfar pray which he gave me. “God, if he is the one you choose for me, please show me, please give me the sign so I can be sure to accept him…”

The time came. There he was, sitting on the chair, in the living room, waiting for me. He smiled at me. I felt my heart filled with warmth. I sat on the chair. Silent filled the air. It was strange. I felt a comfortable feeling, being with him.

A few minutes passed. He kept staring at me, and then finally he said,” I don’t mind accompanying you in the silent, if you want me to. I just want you to know, I did shalat istikharah and also fasting. Day by day I was sure that you are the one for me. But everything is up to you now.”

“I don’t know what I really feel. I’m not sure this is love, because it happens too fast. But I feel comfortable when I’m with you….” I couldn’t say another word, my heart beat so fast.

“Was that a kind of “Yes”? Did you try to say that you accept me?” His eyes glittered.

I nodded. I said silently,”Oh my God, I am so shy. I act like a fool. What’s wrong with me?”

He took a sigh of relief. “Thank God. I’m so happy.”

Since that day, everything ran smoothly. The more I knew him the more I was sure he could make me happy. He was smart and knowledgeable. He could be a good adviser, a great partner to discuss, a shoulder to cry on, a romantic lover, and also a sturdy opponent on debating. We knew each other better, and our love grew up hand in hand.

We started to safe our money to prepare the wedding party. He took me to his parents, introduced me as his intended wife. I was so happy because his family welcomed me very well. And also my parents, they were happy that finally I found the right man. We felt like the gate of easiness was opened for us. Everything ran well, so easy.

Nine months after the day I accept him, we got married. Since that day, we never stop being grateful to God for all the happiness we enjoy. Thank God, I chose him. He really is the best for me.

June 28, 2014  is  our 16^th wedding anniversary. Hopefully our happiness will last forever…Aamiin

June 28, 2014

Our Wedding Day- June 28, 1998